Some Bipartisan Compromise I Can Live With

In the spirit of unity and just wanting to get along, John Hawkins - who writes for both Right Wing News and Town Hall.com - has come up with some compromises with liberals that I can live with.

1) There are far too many people in our prisons who have been failed by our society. That certainly isn’t their fault. That’s why we need to release a few million prisoners into halfway houses in liberal neighborhoods. 

2) America needs to lead the way in alternative energy; so it should be illegal for liberals to power their homes with anything other than windmills and solar energy. On the upside, since this will mean a lot of time in the dark, these liberals will gain the added bonus of being able to get back to nature.

3) Bodyguards for liberal politicians, celebrities, and athletes shouldn’t be able to use guns. After all, people don’t kill people; guns kill people — so by removing the guns from those bodyguards, those people will be safer than ever!

4) We do need to make sure that everyone gets a “working wage.” So, let’s raise the minimum wage to $100 an hour. We can start by raising the salaries of chauffeurs, gardeners, nannies, cooks, and maids in Hollywood and expand from there until we all make at least $100 an hour and will thus, be rich! But wait….if we were all rich, then we’d all be exploitive and evil….ah, that’s something to figure out in the next column.

5) We do need to bring illegal aliens “out of the shadows,” which is why any illegal aliens captured in America who aren’t immediately deported should be shipped to Berkeley or San Francisco, where they can live in peace, use the schools, and collect government benefits until their trials…well, if they show up for their trials.

6) Union labor is important, which is why liberal businesses should be legally obligated to ONLY use unionized labor. Granted, that might mean long delays, their competitors dramatically undercutting them on costs, or even going out of business, but wouldn’t that be worth it for those people if they got to put more money in the pockets of union members?

7) Fairness is very important. That’s why we need to apply the Fairness Doctrine to newspaper editorial pages, MSNBC, Current TV, and the Huffington Post.

8) We all know animals (and trees) should have the same rights as human beings; so is it really worth it to save human lives if animals have suffered to make it possible? That’s why it should be illegal to sell liberals insulin, antibiotics, drugs that fight AIDS/HIV and any other medicines that were made possible by testing that was done on animals.

9) Let’s put salary caps in place to keep rich guys from earning money that they don’t deserve. How about a maximum of $100,000 for any actor’s appearance in a film? That seems fair, right? Wouldn’t you agree to star in a major motion picture for $100,000?

10) Increasing diversity is an important goal; so we should set quotas to insure that every newspaper staff in America (and we can’t forget MSNBC) have as many minorities present as there are in the population. It would also be nice ifNetroots Nation wasn’t as white as a snowstorm in Maine; so maybe next year some of those white, liberal attendees could give up their tickets to people of color.

11) Obviously America has a problem creating jobs right now because of greedy businessmen, but there's an easy remedy. We confiscate the homes of all the liberals who supported Kelo, pay them whatever government officials think is a "fair" rate, and then give the land away to homeless people so they can start their own businesses. Hello, prosperity!

12) Since liberals believe fossil fuels are ruining the planet, they shouldn't be able to drive oil powered cars. But, never fear! As always, the government will come to the rescue by providing each of them with a free bike!

13) As we all know, criminals are just victims of society, while the police are the real problem! It would be tempting to make liberal cities police-free zones, but perhaps that goes a bit too far. So, from now on, police won't be allowed to have guns or use any sort of force in left-wing cities. Instead, the police can just use the power of reasoning to talk it out with the criminals and convince them to do the right thing!

14) Liberal students with good grades in college should have points taken off their test scores and given to students who haven't done quite as well. After all, successful students shouldn't begrudge sharing their success with those who've been less fortunate.

15) When a liberal stands before a judge, that judge should be allowed to put him in prison, let him go, bankrupt him, or do anything he wants based on nothing more than his whims. Why? I got two words for you: "Living Constitution."

16) As Al Gore noted recently (despite his four children), we need a lot more "fertility management" to keep the population down and save Mother Gaia! Liberals can lead the way by being forced to adopt China's "one child" policy. Of course, if they make a "mistake" and get pregnant, then they’ll have to "choose" to have an abortion.

17) Every liberal in America should have to get Canadian citizenship and then, when a Republican wins, all of them should have to move there until a Democrat President is re-elected -- well, if a Democrat President were ever re-elected.

18) As we've learned from the patriotic millionaires, wealthy liberals want to pay higher taxes. So, we should indulge them. Wealthy liberals should pay the same tax rates we had under Jimmy Carter, while other rich people should continue on under the current tax rates.

19) If illegal aliens are just undocumented Americans looking for a better life, then burglars are just undocumented houseguests looking for a better life. That's why every liberal home should be an unlocked "sanctuary city" for any burglar, homeless person, or crazy-eyed drifter who just needs a place to crash for a little while!

20) Since corporations and the rich get ahead by taking advantage of society, liberals should only be allowed to work for poor people. That might reduce the size of their job market a bit, but their lives would become much more virtuous!

Don't you just love these?